How Depression & Anxiety Makes Me Feel

Lately, I've been feeling low and in a rut. I'm questioning what is my purpose in life, what is it want from life. Things aren't going how want them to go, feeling like the worlds against me although i know that's not true but i just feel stuck, i feel a little bit worthless. I'm frustrating myself because i just don't know what I'm doing and my mental health at the moment is causing me to take a step back instead of forward... 16 year old me just didn't know what to make of the diagnosis and 20 going on 21 year old me just can't seem to get to the root of the problem, why am i feeling like this, why am i feeling a little bit worthless, why am i feeling frustrated and why are my feelings confusing me.

 ♡ you need to be kind & patient with yourself, because you're human too ♡

This little quote here is my little reminder and one i have trouble with reminding myself of because i do struggle with being kind to myself, i do struggle to be patient with myself, i do struggle to be my own cheerleader, i do struggle with letting myself know that all these feelings i have are normal, they aren't alien.

I see depression and anxiety as these creatures that constantly fight with my inner self, they know how to push my buttons, they know how to belittle me. They just know how to make me feel at war with myself - But then again, that's mental health, that's what depression does to you! 

"You are important. Your feelings matter. Your story matters. Your life matters." Everything matters. But right now life doesn't make sense to me, every little step I'm taking doesn't seem to matter. It takes time i know that but I'm just stuck.

I'm belittling myself at every chance i have. Thoughts of not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough. Like my pinned tweet says pretty much word for word and right now it just makes me feel like a fraud because i can give/offer advice but i can't take my own. I'm a mess pretty much. I'm pretending everything is okay and most days it is but the stresses of life is making me feel stuck, frustrated. Lately i haven’t been feeling happy or sad i’ve just kind of been existing and i don’t really know what to feel.

Long story short my mental health is making me feel like crap, I'm at war with myself and it drains me sometimes because I should be focusing of my strengths, intelligence and how my family see me: a young woman who's capable of many things but she can't see it herself.

My mental health doesn't need to define me, i shouldn't let my depression cloud my judgement of how i see myself, how i view myself and what my place is in the world. 
When i compare my young self with my current self - I've learnt to value myself more, to love myself more, to embrace what makes me me. Although right now i might be struggling a little bit and that's okay because i am going to get through it, i am going to be okay and most importantly I'm going to do many wonderful things, I'm going to be better than before.

BECAUSE:

I am worthy
I am beautiful
I am good enough
I am strong
I am unique
I am loved
I am important
Most importantly, I can get through anything
I am a work in progress

Life isn't a race, We all have our own path in life, We're still learning more about ourselves. I need to my patient with myself, i need to be the best possible version of me because i am worth the fight. It's about the progress not the perfection. I am a work in progress and that's okay. I may not have everything figured out, and again that's okay. This storm isn't going to last forever. I am going to be okay, i know it.

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